I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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