Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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