I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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