So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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