even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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