we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
