well you can't waste a boner
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
