I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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