I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
