I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
