For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
