dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
