I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
