I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
