Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
