oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
