she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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