things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
