I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
