Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
