I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
