note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
