apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He felt like a one man threesome
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
