I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize