Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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