Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
