Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
