5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
