i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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