i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
