Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
