I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You are the jesus of drinking
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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