a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
