I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
