My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
