the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
organizing the empties. That sober.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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