They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
