I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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