Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
