Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize