i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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