I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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