I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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