Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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