we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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