You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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