My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
