you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
