This dress was meant to end up on your floor
no, he came in my armpit
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
