its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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