Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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