Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
