I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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