I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
