is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Use "feeling words"
Yay
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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